Comedic Value

Every family lacks something, and we are no exception. But whatever we lack, I'm positively certain we make up for through entertainment value. I can't place any guarantees on the fact that any of us actually try to be funny, but nonetheless, not a day goes by that I don't heartily develop my six-pack through laughter (don't ask me to show you my abs.....I've had three children, and although my abdominal muscles are nothing short of delightful, they're hidden right now).


I'm a firm believer that good writers develop their argument through mounds of concrete evidence and so that is what I fully intend to do. I'm going to paint you a picture. When complete, you will understand all of the necessary ingredients for having your family replace your current need for paid entertainment.


Principally, you need young children. I realize this is not always possible or feasible, so if it's not, grab your grandkids or borrow someone else's children. If you want to cut down on your entertainment costs, you need at least one, if not a few, uninhibited children. I know, I know, children cost a fortune and are an incredible amount of work. This is true. But, I assure you, the amount of money that you'll save on entertaining yourself because of them more than offsets any negative reason you could have for avoiding parenthood (or grandparenthood....or kidnapping).


I'm supposing you want my reasons for this and I'll tell you. First of all, children just do and say things that no adult with any rational sense would do or say in public. And they usually do it with an incredibly loud voice and an insane amount of flair. Tell me what's funnier than a 4-year old yelling out, while in a public bathroom stall with you, "Are you going to poop or WHAT!?" when all you're trying to do is pee in peace. You can't think of anything? Well, how about this? Seconds later, a woman is not-so-quietly using the bathroom in the stall next to you and this same child YELLS, "Oh my! Did you hear that!? Someone's going poop over there!" He instantly tries to crawl underneath and see who it is. Should you be embarrassed? Technically no, but children feel no embarrassment, so you have to do this for them. And generally, embarrassing situations hold the most comedic value.


Still not sold? Well, what about having in your possession a 2-year old who yells out in the middle of crowded restaurants and retail stores, "I farted! Did you hear that!?" Generally I hadn't heard it, but once he's through with his little charade, about 30 people besides me have figured it out. When he's done with that, he jams his finger as far up his nose as he can. When you discreetly tell him to knock it off, he yells out (although he thinks he's whispering), "But there's a booger WAY up there!" Oh good. Anything else you'd like to tell a room full of complete strangers? As a matter of fact, the answer to that question is a resounding, YES! Two-year olds almost always poop their diapers in the most inconvenient places. Tanner has a talent for this. Once I catch a whiff, I am one of those peek down the diaper type of mothers, while all the time my child vehemently denies he's done a thing. After we've established the fact that he's lying, as usual, I tell him to come with me to the car so we can change his diaper. He never fails to yell out, "What kind of poop is it?" My face turns red as I glare at him in warning, after which he says, "I want to look at it before you throw it away, okay!?" WHAT!? Maybe his preoccupation with looking at poop factors into the reason he decided to do it in the bathtub. I swear I thought Hunter was lying when he told me his reason for not getting in the tub when I told him to. But as I walk around the corner, there it is. Tanner sitting, watching his poop float at the opposite end of the tub. He couldn't sit next to it of course (cause that would be gross), so he smeared his butt across the entire tub to watch from a "clean" distance. Do you know what you get in response to a question like, "Tanner! What did you do that for!?" A blank stare and a "Do you see how big that is!?" I'm certain that the genes causing this sort of behavior are not mine, but regardless, kids are entertaining.

Another big help in ensuring yourself heaps of fun is your own stupidity. Make mistakes as you parent.....the more the better. That fact alone will guarantee you bliss. I made four this very day. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is using motivational threats. This led to two of my problems today. First of all, Kyle disked my garden with the tractor. I planted raspberry starts in part of it, but the rest has been patiently waiting in delightful looking rows for when I can plant.....with strict instructions for the boys to stay out of it. I happened to glance out the window today and saw Hunter running through it.....repeatedly. I opened the back door and yelled at him to get out of the garden. He gave me a defiant look, so I said, "Hunter, don't make me come and get you." He said, "I'll run and you'll have to chase me." I told him I was faster than him so that wasn't really a concern of mine (ignoring the fact that if I run, I wet my pants). He kept standing, feet planted, right in the middle of my garden. I took two steps towards him and what did he do? He DOVE. Right through the middle of all my rows, like a baseball player sliding into home head first. After this, he of course laughed and ran. You'd think I would've learned because an hour earlier, Hunter came inside to tell me that Tanner touched a mouse again (our dog kills mice and leaves them all over the yard like a case full of trophies). Sick! I go outside. "Tanner, what did I tell you about touching mice?! Get inside now and wash your hands." Defiant look. "Don't make me come get you." This resulted in laughter and him running for his life. Luckily, he's not as fast as Hunter.....yet.

What were mistakes three and four you say? Well, Haylee thinks she's a big kid. She wants to do everything the boys do and this includes eating everything they eat. At lunch time there was a bag of Doritos. She yelled for one and in my parental stupidity, I tossed one on the tray. She devoured it. I mean, what's more delightful than a Dorito? Problem is, now she only wants Doritos. She yelled and screamed and growled.....and threw her bowl of macaroni salad in my general direction. I've unleashed a beast that I can no longer control. Mistake 4: Haylee likes to babble and have "conversations" when I put her to bed now. She started this about a week ago and it's quite cute. She loves it when you repeat what she "said" back to her. So, tonight we were having our little chat and she made a spitting noise, "Pffffft." Oh cute, I thought (cause sometimes I'm retarded.....which is why my life is so fun, as previously mentioned). And here's me, a 30-year old, should be smarter than this Mother. "Pffffft." Oh, and then the chaos erupted. My face was wet to say the least.....and she was so proud. In her defense, she's a very good spitter.

Lastly, let your kids talk. Parents who believe that children should be seen and not heard are missing out on some of the most delightful gems known to man. Examples:

Tonight I was tucking the boys into bed. They usually take cars or some such thing with them to bed and I just remove them when they fall asleep. Tonight I was informed matter-of-factly by Hunter, "Don't give me a toy tonight. I'll just pee on it." I couldn't help it and I laughed right out loud. He actually does really well and only has an occasional accident if he doesn't pee right before bed. But, I'll hand it to the kid. He's logical.

I was doing my exercise video earlier in the week and Hunter asked why I was ignoring Jillian Michaels when she told me not to skip the jumping jacks. "Because Hunter, Mommy's had babies and if she jumps, she'll wet her pants." "Oh." This morning I was doing my video and decided to attempt the jumping jacks. Hunter walked in the room, "Mom, don't do that! You're gonna pee all over!" I almost did.....from laughing.

I could go on all day with my quotable quotes, but I'll spare you.....for now. I'm hoping this little tale alone will be sufficient enough for you to be inspired in your quest for free entertainment. I mean, they say frugality is important, and I'm just trying to help.